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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

C is for Claudius

For every 10 abnormal kids, there is a genius in hiding. Einstein didn't speak till he was 4. Steve Jobs was an arab (or persian) orphan in the United States. Tom Cruise was dyslexic. Where are all the other normal kids they grew up with?

Claudius was a cripple, a stammerer, and thus the least likely of his family to attain greatness by any means other than association.

Germany is named after his brother Germanicus who conquered the 'barbarian hordes' that lived there.

His nephew Caligula became Ceaser of Rome after Octavian (later known as Augustus Ceaser...he's the kid who became a man between seasons 1 & 2 of the hit series Rome). Caligula had a penchant for murder...well, it was more like a proclivity as he liked to see people die close-up and personal. It did not pay to be close to him.

History doesn't honor any of the Ceasers of Rome as much as Julius Ceaser, but that's a long boring story.

The thing is Claudius 'played' the invalid fool, much like the dwarf of The Game of Thrones, except he stammered, so he had no clever words.

If his nephew asked ridiculous questions, he gave even more ridiculous answers and this made Caligula feel very clever and very safe with him. Very safe was very important.

Herod Agrippa (the dude that died of instant maggot infestation in the bible) was one of the few who was patient enough to catch the genius hiding behind stuttered words. They were friends.

He was the first person to congratulate him when he became Ceaser by default when Caligula came down with a severe case of Spear-poisoning when his Tiger got tired of him.

There is genius in patience as I will expound.

Caligula inherited 'The Tiger'. They were the most effective body-guards in ancient times. They wore black cloaks and kept their hands on the hilt of their swords...at all times. Any man who came at the Ceaser with murderous intent would be reduced to bleeding meat in under 15 seconds (it sounds easy from watching movies, but in real life it is not).

Caligula was at an event and seated in the VIP box. Under him, inane executions, mass slaughter and myriad moments of unguarded insanity had occurred (he once divirgined a couple at their wedding feast, in front of all of their guests, because he was Ceaser and it seemed pretty novel to him). One of the bodyguards then said,"*#ck this guy", and threw a spear into the direction of Caligula's torso. Safe to say he didn't make it. They then beheaded his wife and smashed his daughter's head against a marble wall.

Caligula was then made Emperor and Protector of Rome.

Did he make an outstanding Emperor? Well if you compare the Ceaser before him and the Ceaser after him (Emperor Nero was his heir), Caligula was a pleasant respite from the madness of the Roman court.

That's the C.

P. S. Maybe I should have made it Comparative rather than Caligula...meh
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well -- Rene Descartes

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